Does conflict feel like it’s taking over your home? The whining, the power struggles, the sibling fights, it can be exhausting.

But here’s what most parents don’t realize: conflict isn’t the real problem. Unmet needs are.

When your kids don’t have appropriate control, aren’t getting enough attention, or don’t feel connected, it shows up as conflict. And it’s not just kids, when you don’t feel heard by your spouse, or your need for partnership or rest isn’t being met, conflict enters the scene.

In Part 2 of our Redeeming Family Culture series, we’re diving into what happens when those foundational needs go unmet, and I’m giving you a practical framework to work through conflict in a way that actually brings your family closer together.

Core Truth

Your family culture is either happening to you, or it’s being built by you.

Unresolved conflict creates tension, division, and a home where no one feels safe or connected. But when you learn to work through conflict well, you build unity, trust, and togetherness.

Common Unmet Needs That Drive Conflict

Most conflict isn’t really about the thing you’re fighting about. It’s about an unmet need underneath.

Here are the most common unmet needs in family dynamics:

Control or Autonomy – Wanting to decide or have a say

Attention – Needing to be seen and heard

Rest or Support – Exhaustion and overwhelm (especially between spouses)

Connection – Feeling unseen or undervalued

Partnership – Feeling alone or like a “one-man team”

Possession – “This is mine, this is my stuff, this is my space” (common between siblings)

Fairness or Justice – “That’s not fair!” (another sibling classic)

Feeling Heard – Your opinion matters

Once you identify the unmet need, you’re halfway to resolving the conflict.

The OFNR Framework: A Practical Tool for Any Conflict

This framework works for sibling fights, parent disagreements, or parent-child power struggles. It’s a neutral way to resolve conflict without judgment, blame, or escalation.

O – Observation Share what actually happened from your point of view. Stick to the facts, no interpretations, no jumping to conclusions. Use a calm voice.

F – Feelings Name the feelings involved. How were you feeling in that moment? Scared? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Sad?

N – Needs What need wasn’t being met? “I needed it to be calm.” “I needed to feel heard.” “I needed cooperation.”

R – Request What’s your request moving forward? “Can we set a timer next time?” “Can you give me a warning before bedtime?”

Critical reminder: The calm voice is non-negotiable. You cannot resolve conflict when you’re in fight-or-flight mode. Wait until everyone is regulated before using this framework.

OFNR in Action: Two Real-Life Scenarios

Scenario 1: Sibling Fight Over a Toy

Parent (after everyone has calmed down):

• O: I saw you both wanted the same toy at the same time.
• F: I was feeling sad and frustrated seeing the two of you fight with each other.
• N: I need you both to feel safe and have fun together.
• R: Let’s figure out how we can handle this better next time.

Child 1:

• O: You grabbed the toy I was playing with.
• F: I was mad because I wasn’t done yet.
• N: I needed to finish my turn.
• R: Next time, please ask me if I’m done before you take it.

Child 2:

• O: I saw that you had the toy for a long time.
• F: I was feeling impatient because I wanted a turn.
• N: I needed a turn.
• R: Can we set a timer next time so we both know when it’s time to switch?

This approach diffuses tension and focuses on problem-solving, not blame.

Scenario 2: Parent-Child Power Struggle About Bedtime

Parent (after everyone has calmed down):

• O: I see that you were still playing when I asked you to get ready for bed.
• F: I was feeling exhausted and frustrated.
• N: I needed cooperation at bedtime so we can both get the rest we need.
• R: Next time, can we agree on a five-minute warning before bedtime so you have time to finish what you’re doing?

Child:

• O: I see that it was bedtime, but I was in the middle of building something.
• F: I was feeling frustrated that I had to stop suddenly.
• N: I need warning and some control over when I stop playing.
• R: Can you give me a warning next time so I can finish up?

This is exactly what Ephesians 4:2-3 teaches us: “Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

How to Help Everyone Calm Down Before Using OFNR

If emotions are running high, take a five-minute break. Send everyone to their own space to calm down before coming back together.

Here’s what works in our family:

• My son shoots baskets (outside or in his room)
• My daughter reads
• I put on worship music

Find a go-to calming strategy for each family member. You don’t want to try to solve a problem in the heat of the moment.

The Spiritual Battle Underneath Conflict

Practical tools are helpful, but they’re not enough if we don’t recognize the spiritual battle happening underneath.

Ephesians 6:12 reminds us: “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world.”

Your kids are not the enemy. Your spouse is not the enemy. You are not the enemy.

Satan is the enemy, and he wants to destroy the unity in your family. He wants you pointing fingers at each other instead of recognizing the real battle.

Spiritual Weapons God Has Given You

1. The Shield of Faith When the enemy throws lies at you. “Your spouse doesn’t care about you,” “Your kids are impossible,” “You’re failing as a parent”, raise your shield of faith and replace those lies with God’s truth.

2. The Helmet of Salvation Protect your mind. Don’t let your thoughts spiral into worst-case scenarios, keeping score, or unrealistic expectations. Renew your mind with truth.

3. The Sword of the Spirit (God’s Word) Use Scripture to fight back against lies. Read your Bible and use God’s Word against the enemy.

4. Prayer Pray in the moment. Pray over your kids. Pray with your spouse. Let them hear you pray for them. Invite God into your conflict. Sometimes the best thing you can do when conflict is escalating is to pause and pray.

5. Worship Put on worship music when tension is building. The enemy cannot stand in the presence of worship. It shifts the atmosphere.

Practical Ways to Reduce Conflict Before It Starts

Foster Sibling Connection Set up intentional sibling time where your kids spend one-on-one time together. Celebrate their relationship instead of just refereeing fights.

Stay Connected with Your Spouse Regular check-ins, praying together, and assuming the best of each other makes a huge difference. Stop comparing and start working together as a team.

Meet Your Kids’ Needs Proactively Give them presence, control, and attention before their tanks run empty and conflict escalates.

Building a Family That Fights FOR Each Other, Not Against Each Other

The goal is a family that recognizes the real enemy and stands together, with your swords pointed outward to fight the enemy, not inward at each other.

When your family is connected and there’s unity and peace in your home, the enemy has less ground to work with. Connection doesn’t eliminate conflict, but it absolutely reduces the intensity and frequency.

Join the Faith-Fueled Fireside

Our monthly Faith-Fueled Fireside is the perfect space to dive deeper into these concepts.

Next Fireside: December 16th at 10:00 AM Arizona time

Come ready to discuss what unmet need is driving the most conflict in your home, and connect with other Christian mompreneurs seeking to prioritize faith and family.

Final Words From My Heart

Unmet needs drive conflict. The OFNR framework gives you a neutral way to resolve it. And your family isn’t the enemy, recognize the spiritual warfare component and use the weapons God has given you.

Take a moment this week and ask: What unmet need is driving the most conflict in my home right now?

Start there, use the tools, and trust that God will multiply your efforts.

With love and grace,

Related Podcast Episodes: 

1. Ep 228: Redeeming Family Culture: What Your Kids Actually Need (Part 1)
2. Ep 174. Parenting Beyond the Younger Years with Nellie Harden
3. Ep 160. Enjoying Every Moment with Your Kids
4. Ep 85. Simple Ways to Connect with Your Kids

Resources:

1. Learn more about the Collective Mastermind – A Christ-centered space for ambitious mompreneurs who are ready to align their life and business with the Lord.
2. Join the Faith-Fueled Fireside on December 16th at 10AM (AZ Time) – This virtual gathering is an opportunity to connect with like minded mamas who are ready to trade hustle for peace this season.
3. Join the Free Purpose Gathering Community – A welcoming space for Christian mompreneurs to connect, grow, and be encouraged in both life and business.
4. Have a question for me? Or a specific struggle you’re dealing with? I’ll address your question on the podcast. Submit your ‘Ask Ashley’ question here.
5. Please connect with me on Instagram @thepurposegathering.