Have you ever found yourself comparing loads with your spouse, silently keeping score, feeling frustrated that you’re carrying more than your fair share?

I’ve been there too.

Just the other night, I was making dinner after a long day. The kids were getting ready for bed, the house was noisy, and when my husband walked in from work, I expected him to jump in and help. Instead, he went straight to the bedroom and laid down.

My first thought was, “Are you kidding me right now?”
I’d been going non-stop since 5:30 a.m., and I wanted to rest too.

Now, to give him credit, that’s not his usual behavior. He’s normally quick to help. But that small moment reminded me of a season in our marriage when this kind of disconnection was normal, when we felt more like roommates than life partners.

And that’s where this new series, Marriage in the Margins, was born.

From Roommates to Partners

If we’re not intentional, marriage can easily slip into the margins, surviving on leftover time and energy instead of being nurtured with purpose and care.

Maybe you’ve been there too: exchanging quick check-ins at the end of the day, too tired for real conversation, giving your marriage whatever scraps of time are left.

This series is about moving from living in the margins to creating intentional margins, spacious, restful moments where your marriage can flourish.

Because your marriage deserves more than the leftovers. It deserves your intentionality.

Why We Feel Disconnected

Today, we’re talking about three common traps that keep us stuck as roommates instead of connected partners, and how to recognize them before they take root.

1. Keeping Score

This is when we fall into the “who has it worse” mindset, silently comparing who’s done more, sacrificed more, or carried the heavier load.

But when we focus on our spouse’s shortcomings, pride gets a foothold. We stop seeing their effort and start fixating on what they aren’t doing.

Romans 12:10 reminds us,

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”

Keeping score isn’t devotion. It’s competition. And it shifts our focus away from teamwork and toward resentment.

If you catch yourself tallying up responsibilities, pause and ask, “How can I honor my spouse in this moment instead of comparing?”

2. Comparing Your Spouse to Others

Maybe you’ve said it before:
“I wish my husband was more romantic.”
“I wish he helped more with the kids.”
“I wish he led like so-and-so’s husband does.”

This comparison trap is sneaky, and the enemy uses it to distort our perspective.

I recently read a book called Sincerely, Stonehearted, which gives a fictionalized glimpse of how spiritual warfare plays out in marriage. One line hit me hard:

“Whatever strengths other wives publicly display about their husbands, you must cause her to see as a deficiency in her own.”

Oof. That stung! Because it’s true. When we dwell on what our spouse lacks, we become blind to the ways he’s trying to love us.

Comparison breeds resentment. Gratitude restores connection.

So the next time you’re tempted to compare, stop and thank God for one strength your husband brings to your marriage.

3. Operating Your Marriage Like a Business

This one can be tricky because it often feels “productive.”

Maybe you and your spouse have mastered dividing tasks, syncing calendars, and coordinating schedules. Everything runs smoothly on paper, but intimacy is missing.

You’ve become excellent teammates but distant partners.
You’re functioning, but not connecting.

Here’s how this shows up:

• You coordinate schedules but rarely connect emotionally.
• You divide responsibilities efficiently but don’t do life together.
• You operate like business partners, not best friends.

The danger here is subtle. You think everything’s fine because you’re not fighting, but efficiency isn’t intimacy.

Satan doesn’t always destroy marriages through chaos. Sometimes, he does it through complacency.

What You Focus On Grows

If you focus on your spouse’s shortcomings, they’ll feel bigger.
If you focus on your disconnection, it will deepen.
But if you focus on gratitude, service, and prayer, connection will grow.

God multiplies the intentional moments you create for your marriage.
It’s never too late to stop the patterns that keep you stuck as roommates and start building a life of partnership again.

So let me ask you:
What’s keeping you stuck as roommates?
Are you keeping score? Comparing? Running your marriage like a business?

Bring that question with you to this month’s Faith-Fueled Fireside, happening Thursday, November 20th at 10 AM (Arizona time).

This free monthly Zoom gathering is where we go deeper into the podcast topics, share real stories, and connect with other Christian mompreneurs who are walking through the same challenges.

You can join us at thepurposegathering.com/fireside.

From My Heart to Yours

Friend, God designed your marriage for connection, not competition.

It’s time to shift your focus from what’s lacking to what’s possible.
To stop keeping score and start keeping grace.
To make space for laughter, prayer, and presence again.

Because what you focus on grows.
Let this be the season your marriage starts to flourish again.

With love and grace,

Related Podcast Episodes: 

1. Ep 43. Healthy Boundaries for a Stronger Marriage
2. Ep 19. How to Recognize the Conflict Cycle in Your Marriage with Tony Ziolko

Resources:

1. Learn more about the Collective Mastermind – A Christ-centered space for ambitious mompreneurs who are ready to align their life and business with the Lord.
2. Join the Faith-Fueled Fireside on October 23rd at 11AM (AZ Time) – This virtual gathering is an opportunity to connect with like minded mamas who are ready to trade hustle for peace this season.
3. Join the Free Purpose Gathering Community – A welcoming space for Christian mompreneurs to connect, grow, and be encouraged in both life and business.
4. Have a question for me? Or a specific struggle you’re dealing with? I’ll address your question on the podcast. Submit your ‘Ask Ashley’ question here.
5. Please connect with me on Instagram @thepurposegathering.